


Hard not to love him

by OerbaIzalith



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Fan Service, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Romance, Sexual Humor, drinkingbuddy!Sera, little bit meta, plenty schmoopy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 22:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4804844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OerbaIzalith/pseuds/OerbaIzalith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Male Trevelyan is hopelessly in love with Cullen, but his feelings are unrequited. Until that day when everything changed, the day Cullen almost started taking Lyrium again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard not to love him

**Author's Note:**

> Like many other Inquisition fans, I was pretty sore that my Male quizzi couldn't romance the hottest, sweetest man the series has ever presented. So, this is kinda me writing what I would liked to have seen happen between them. Also be gentle, this is my first fiction, that's being publicized anyway teehee. Feedback would be valued beyond words.

"I should be taking it!" Cullen slammed his fist into the bookshelf. "I should be taking it."

"Cullen... You're stronger than that. You don't need lyrium." I approached him slowly, reaching out a hand to grip his shoulder gently, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I believe in you. You've come so far. Don't let it be for nothing."

I was close enough to him now to see a single tear rolling down his face, even as it was turned from me. "How can you have so much faith in me. You don't know the things I've done in my past. You would despise me."

I yearned for him. Since the moment I laid eyes on the man who commands the Inquisition forces, I was smitten. More than that, I believe firmly that I fell in love the moment he said those completely neutral, unremarkable words. He said: I hope they're right about you. Yet the feelings weren't mutual. I had made several passes at him, asked him if he was single, if he would be interested in my company, if he had taken vows of celibacy but he simply replied he could not offer more than friendship, and he hoped I would understand. I backed off after that, but I never stopped longing for him. Even if he would never feel the same, I could never feel otherwise.

Now here I was, attempting to anchor him to reason. Trying to prove to him that he can endure his lyrium withdrawal. Seeing him cry. Some small twisted part inside of me enjoyed seeing him cry. Not because I wanted him to suffer, but because I wanted him to need. To need support from me. To need me to carry him. The other part of me just wanted to take his face in my hands and kiss him deep and make the pain go away, even though I could never do that.  
Instead, I gave his shoulder another soft squeeze.

"I could never despise you. I have seen who you really are, Cullen. I know what kind of man you are."

"And what kind of man is that?" He shrugged away from me, his voice was raw with emotion.

I needed to break him out of his slump. I was going to say something incredibly bold, something that would probably change our friendship forever. For the worse probably. He would never look at me the same, but he needed to hear it, and I needed to say it. I struggled for words, even though I knew exactly what to say. And then they came.

"A man that makes it hard for someone not to love him."

For the longest time, there was silence. Somewhere down below, I could hear someone shouting something about stolen daggers.

After what felt like an eternity, he turned to face me. More tears were pooling in his brown eyes, making them glint in the candle light. His stare was a mixture of disbelief, confusion and... a hint of elation? His gaze broke from mine and instead turned to my feet. He swallowed heavily and a shaky breath preceded his words.

"I, uh..." He cleared his throat. "Thank you, Inquisitor. I, uh..." His eyes were still directed at my feet. "May I have a moment alone? Please?"

I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright, but he needed space, so instead I simply retreated. I paused at the door, and looked back at him. His back was to me, his palms on his desk. "I believe in you." I said softly, before retreating outside and closing the door behind me.

**********************************

"There's you, yes." Sera greeted with a smile and sat down beside me, mug in hand. "Bloody arseknob bartender." she said, taking a sip of ale. "So I asked him what's new, trying to wangle a free ale and he said some shite about the cookie dough being missing and I was like, bingo! Hit him with a 'do I just have one of those faces or are you accusing me because of Red Jenny an' all that, 'coz you just asking for piss in ya kegs.' So he said, he wasn't accusing me of nothing, and then I just gave him this piss-in-ya-keg-stare, and now I'm drinking his ale. S'great, innit?"

I didn't catch her whole rant, I hardly ever completely understood Sera, but I wasn't sure if it was because she had this unique speech thing going on, or because her unique speech thing always came flying at me so fast. Either way, I sometimes wished there was floating text above her head when she was speaking so I could keep up. Nevertheless, I adored her company. She always had a way of brightening up the room or making a serious moment a lot less serious.

But not today. My mind was occupied by only one single thought. Cullen.

"Uhhh... Hellooooo? Your Inquisitorialness? You usually say something back by now. I swear, sometimes you seem a little slow. You know when they say think before you speak? That doesn't apply to every other sentence."

"Oh, uh, sorry Sera. Just got a lot on my mind."

"Pfffft, you always have a lot on your mind. You are the Inquisitor. One day it's mages and templars, then it's archdemons, then it's an empire. What's next, the bloody Fade? No wait, forget I said that. I didn't say that." She took a large swig from her mug. "Speaking of bitches, I put a viper in Vivienne's drawers. She better do it right this time."

I stared down at my mug, shaking it counter-clockwise to make it's contents slosh. "Yeah, because stealing her undergarments and mailing that... present worked out so well."

She wrinkled her nose at me. "I don't like you today. What crawled up your knickers and farted?"

"Cullen."

"Cap'n Serious? What about him?"

I took a deep breath, and decided to confide in her what nobody else knew. "I care about him."

"You care about everybody. You're a very carey person. Always running around, bothering everyone until they don't have much to say anymore. That's you."

I looked up and into her eyes. Took her a second but it dawned on her.

"Oh... You care about him..."

I have never heard Sera be at a loss for words, and it was a little unnerving.

"You don't approve."

"You're asking for approval? You?" She giggled. "Well in that case, I hope you're not asking for advice for... you know two guys doing stuff, just 'coz I'm a girl and I do stuff with girls doesn't mean I got anything, not even a haircut to show for it apparently. Better ask Dorian. Hm. Although two men together, pretty simple really. Two dangles and two holes..."

"Sera!" I blushed a deep red at her brash comment. From behind us, I heard a thunderous laugh and a clap of hands. I turned to witness Iron bull raising a cup to us and tilting it as if to say congratulations and shaking his head. My blush turned even darker. I lowered my voice but practically spat. "That's not what I meant, he doesn't even know how I feel! Well he does now, I think, but I don't think he likes me. I think he prefers women."

"Can't blame him though, all the pretty ladies."

"Thanks for that, Sera." I looked back down at my mug.

"Ugh, I'm no good at this friendy love advice thingies, but fine, here goes. You told him how you feel, right?"

"Yes. Kinda." I sighed.

"Aaaand did he tell you to bugger off?"

"Kinda. He said he needed some time alone."

"Well then that's not so bad I suppose. Maybe he likes that you like him but he just doesn't want to mix business with pleasure and all that. You never know. Maybe he just doesn't want to make things awkward if shite gets bad and you still have to work together."

"You know, that was surprisingly insightful..."

"I know, right!" She laughed. I hadn't seen this side of Sera before, I didn't even think she had one. The Sera I knew was all fun and pranks.

"Hey you, chin up, alright? Let's go get some air. It's all dark and brown in here. Plus Maryden just can't shut up about my agreeableness. Is she making a pass? 'Coz I have a type. Just sayin'."

Sera and I took our mugs and headed outside, passing Scout Harding on the way, to whom I gave a wink and a nod. She always seemed to be at Skyhold for supplies at the exact same time when I wasn't out on the field sealing rifts and claiming keeps. Whenever I took my party into an unknown area however, she was always there, waiting to welcome and brief us. I sometimes considered giving her the nickname Lightning because of how quickly she could get from point a to point b, but I wasn't sure how she would feel about it. And her voice always sounded strangely familiar, like somebody I knew in another life. Someone I always pictured with rose colored hair. Just like Iron Bull somehow reminded me of someone adorned with the letter N and the number 7.

We stopped at the wall overlooking the refugee camp and someone yelled about a barrel full of daggers. Ah... Cole. Clever boy. Spirit. Demon. I still had no idea what he really was. I only knew that he had good intentions, and that was enough to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"So, what do you think? Good enough spot to throw pepples at his door and sing him a song when he comes out?" Sera nudged me with her elbow.

"People actually do that?" I asked, playing along.

"Oh yes! I did it in Val Royeaux all the time, but I threw big rocks, which broke the windows, and then when they came out, all red in the face, I didn't sing. I just pulled down my pants and showed them my butt. So not the same, but you could do it all romanticky, I think. Maybe he likes your butt accompanied by a song. And a good vintage."

I laughed at her, forming a mental image of her mooning the angry nobles and the mortifying thought of Cullen's face coming out to see nothing but a singing naked behind.

"Daaaaaangles. Hooooooles... Huh, why does... Why would you... Pfffft nevermind. So, are you gonna do it? Serenade our stout commander?"

"I don't sing. Nevermind serenading someone. I'll leave the singing to Leliana or..." The image of Cullen joining in song that night after Haven. A chill ran down my spine at the memory, a moment I knew I would cherish forever.

"Or you could, I dunno, shoot an arrow with a message on it, like I did. Worked on you."

"I use daggers, Sera. Not that great with a bow"

"So throw a dagger with a message on it then. Duh."

I smiled, leaning forward, peeking up at Cullen's office. 

"So wait, when we were in his office messing with his desk, were you looking for something of his. Something slinky maybe?" Sera chirped.

"Slinky?"

"You knooooow, stinky slinky? Ugggh, Maker, his breeches! Were u raised in a chantry?"

"No... I'm a Trevelyan. And what would his...uh... 'breeches' be doing in his office? He doesn't sleep there."

"Oh, right. Wait, he doesn't? I never see him leave. Never gave much thought to that."

"Yeah, he never leaves his post until very late at night when the patrols start."

"Been watching him, have we? Naughty Inquisitor, naughty."

"All my advisors work late, Sera. It's not like I'm stalking him." I felt her raise a mocking eyebrow at me in disbelief.

"Alright, fine, I sometimes look down from the balcony in my quarters and see him leaving."

"Soooooo... you know where he sleeps then."

"No, I don't."

"Aw, could've had fun with that one."

A sound from above caught my attention. His office door, he was heading our way.

I stood frozen, Sera started whistling conspicuously next to me. Drawing attention to us on purpose. Maturity wasn't a quality she possessed. Her plan worked though, Cullen spotted us even before we saw him. He came down the steps and approached us.

"Whozat? Cullen!" Sera chimed, the picture of guilt.

"Inquisitor. Sera." He looked nervous, even his usual indifference toward Sera was completely absent. "I was hoping to have a word with you, Inquisitor. In private, if I may."

Sera nodded at me, grinning. "Go on."

**********************************

I followed him up to the battlements, where he stood silently looking over the frozen river, the cold breeze sweeping through his golden hair and making it rustle gently. The morning sun illuminated him in such a way he seemed to have an angelic aura around him, his armor shining. He turned to face me when I was close.

"I wanted to thank you. When you came to see me... If there's anything..." He sighed softly, turning away. "This sounded much better in my head."

"I trust you're feeling better?" I didn't really know what to say, so I responded in the most polite, well-meaning way I could think.

"I...yes."

"Is it always that bad?"

"The pain comes and goes, sometimes I feel as if I'm back there. I should not have pushed myself so far that day."

"Cullen, I... Are we alright? I hope I wasn't out of line when we talked yesterday." I took the leap. He turned back to face me.

"Out of line? How do you mean?"

"Some of the things I said. I don't want you to think I was trying to use the situation to make some silly confession."

"A confession as to what, exactly?"

I suddenly noticed that the tables had turned. When the conversation started, Cullen was shy, somewhat withdrawn while I was composed. Now he was in control of the situation and I was stumbling for words. He wanted me to confess.

"Uh... Confess to, uh... Well, I suppose, my feelings... toward you."

"You have feelings toward me? I hope they're not of a bad sort."

I could swear he was playfully toying with me, trying to draw me into an awkward love declaration which I would be mocked for by everybody until the end of days. I could see it. News Today: Inquisitor goes into hiding, becomes reclusive after embarassing love confession goes awry.

"I think you remember what I said, Cullen."

"I do. I just thought you perhaps said that to distract me. To snap me out of my slump."

"Well, that was part of it. I did mean it, though."

He moved closer, slowly, unsure.

"Inquisitor... I... am not sure how to handle this situation. I have experience in battle. In leading an army. In following orders. Yet I have never... I'm not even sure what I'm facing exactly."

He stopped about an arms length away from me, and didn't move any closer.

"Not many things have ever frightened me, but this," he paused for a moment, searching my face for some sign that he wasn't misreading signals, "this... terrifies me."

"Is it because I'm a man?"

A guilty look spread across his face. "It's not just that. Yes, I have never had any amorous feelings of any sort toward another man, but never have I truly had any deep feelings for a woman either. I just always expected it to happen that way. When I went into templar training, I was so young and I was idealistic, and I suppose the image of a wife and child just never fully left my mind."

As he talked, it dawned on me that he was attempting to let me down easy, despite our chemistry, just as he had before. He wanted to meet a woman, have children. Be normal. He would never have that with another man.

"I... understand. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, I truly am."

He frowned, and shook his head, moving closer to me again.

"No, you misunderstand. Yes, I'm frightened of what this means, but I cannot deny it. You are possibly the most courageous, intelligent and... handsome man I have ever met, Inquisitor. And when you were there before, when I was struggling, and you said those words, it was like the world suddenly made sense. That every hardship and struggle I have ever faced, had all lead to that moment, to that truth..." He was so close to me I could smell freshly baked bread on his breath. "Lead to you."

I was speechless. My breathing was unsteady, and my palms were wet with anxiety. His words were like something I had dreamed up, unreal. I fully expected to wake up any moment, still alone. Cullen noticed my silence, and backed up a bit.

"Oh maker, forgive me. Inquisitor, I didn't mean to insinuate anything by..." he sighed softly, confusion and disappointment in his eyes, "forgive me." He turned to walk away, but I grabbed him by the arm. He became still and I could sense the fear of this unknown in him.

I cupped my hand to his cheek gently. His mouth fell open at the gesture, clearly not being accustomed to it. Then his hand was there too, covering mine, the cold metal of the armor he always wore almost made me wince but his face was warm in contrast. I was touching him. My skin pressed against his. It felt wonderful, as innocent as it was. I rubbed my thumb softly over his prominent cheekbone, caressing it.

His face was the portrait of vulnerability. Tears sparkled in his eyes and his brow was furrowed. His mouth still open, lips as round and seductive as they always were. Instinctively, I moved mine to meet them. I didn't kiss him, I wanted him to be the one, the one to decide whether this was what he truly wanted. I could feel his breath now, however, warm and moist against mine, which I opened as well. I closed my eyes, and waited.

Slowly, I felt him under my hand, his face edging toward me and I could feel the soft flesh touching mine. Electricity sparked down my spine as we kissed, chastely and carefully, as if any greater pressure would break us like glass. I could feel his scar, such a small physical imperfection that just made the kiss all that more perfect, made him all that more perfect. His hand moved from mine and instead wrapped around the back of my neck to enfold me and bring me closer to him. The kiss deepened, yet still remained chaste. Like something delicate you have waited an eternity for, savoring it carefully for fear of it breaking.

We stood there, exploring each other for what felt like an hour, and then I broke the kiss, my eyes opened and searched his. I hadn't noticed his other hand was hanging beside him, balled into a tight fist. When I noticed, I looked back at him with a frown.

"I've never kissed someone before. My nerves have me a bit, well, nervous."

I smiled at him, joy radiating from me. The smile of a love smitten fool. "I was your first kiss?"

He closed his eyes tightly, deeply embarassed.

"Well, mr Rutherford. That wasn't half bad for a first try. I can't wait to see what you deliver with the hundredth."

"Hundredth, you say?" A grin spread across his face. "I can most certainly go along with that. As long as I receive exclusive training from you."

"It would be my honor."

He laughed quietly and gently pressed his lips to mine for a short moment. "Second one any better?"

"Still a whole lot more practicing to do, I think."

"Well, then I look forward to it."

With that, he pulled me in close against him, and hugged me tight, his arms wrapped around my lower back while mine locked behind his neck. I can't imagine I had ever been happier. Then, lips to my ear, and soft words. "If I may, I have a favor to ask."

"Anything."

"Could you repeat those words you said to me yesterday, the ones that changed everything."

"What, that I believe in you?"

"No," he laughed under his breath. "as beautiful as those were, I was thinking of the ones before that. The ones that stopped me dead in my tracks."

I smiled again, and blushed. He was asking me to say the words, the words he already knew were true, but needed to hear them again, and and as I bent down and my lips went to his ear, he heard them.

"I love you, Cullen."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope it was as easy to read as it was to write, it doesn't come this easily very often, the story pretty much wrote itself. If you'd like to see a sequel, let me know ;-)


End file.
